Jolly Interesting Stuff

Saying Goodbye.

2011-03-23T16:30:00.005Z

This is not an easy post to write. For someone who calls themselves a writer today I fail in that pursuit as I don't have the words. After a wonderful three years the Jolly Interesting Stuff™ blog closes today. At least in its current form on blogspot. The newly created jonathanleecreative.com meant I was faced with a choice. To move this blog or to remain. There are a whole host of advantages in moving - ranging from fewer passwords to lose to SEO based positives - and as such the choice was not a difficult one. That's not to say I move without heavy heart. This blog has been home to some fascinating posts. We have interviewed actors, writers, newsreaders and fake cricketers. We have examined the political strain that one is faced with when drinking American and Russian cocktails. We have grown a ginger moustache. And, of course, who can forget the rather beautiful online romance with Julia Garang. So, yes, moving is tough. But move we must and reminiscing just prolongs the inevitable. So let's dry those eyes, stand up tall and leave with a smile on our faces. We have things to do.

You know me well enough to know that I wouldn't leave you with sadness in your heart. So, in something of a seamless join, the Jolly Interesting Stuff™ story continues immediately in its new location with Saying Hello. I knew you'd be pleased.

Before you go though, thank you blogspot and thank you. Maybe you'll come with me, maybe this is where you want to get off. Whichever it is let me say how much I have appreciated your loyalty to and interaction with this blog since 2007. It's been tremendous fun and exceeded even my wildest expectations. Thanks. With that, it's...

Goodbye.

I'm Now Here Too

2011-03-21T10:55:00.004Z

When I'm not writing this blog - which is quite often - I am working. Supposedly. And I have a new website up that tells and shows you what I do. At some stage, proabably when I have a free year to understand the coding, this blog will seemlessly be attached to the website. For now though, it remains here in all it's jolly interesting glory.

Do head over to jonathanleecreative.com if you want to see what a freelance copywriter, creative and designer does. Don't click on the blog link though. You'll just end up back here. Which would be a waste of everyone's time.

7 Seconds

2011-03-21T10:44:00.003Z

This music video for the SixToes song Low Guns shows the view of the platform at Ravenscourt Park from a passing train. Only it's in slow-motion. And it's brilliant. The song itself I am not much fussed with. So second time around I watched it with The Mummers' Fade Away. Not intentionally, Chris Evans and I just had an unexpected but wholly wonderful syncing moment. It was nice.

Graysexgate: An Analysis

2011-01-25T17:25:00.009Z

The whole Andy Gray/Sexism debate (or Graysexgate) was rather passing me by. That was until this evening when my girlfriend asked me whether I thought Sky Sports were right to sack him. My senses were immediately heightened. This was a test wasn't it? I needed to give her the answer she wanted to hear. If I didn't I would be making my own dinner. Then I realised I'd be making my own dinner anyway as my girlfriend was going out, so I gave her my honest answer. And it goes something like this.

I'm not sure. What Gray and co-presenter Richard Keys said was stupid and I don't for one moment agree with them, but we all say stupid things don't we? We all say things we don't mean and we all say things we later regret. Purely on that basis I would say it was not a sackable offence. As I write there is apparently new evidence of Gray making sexist comments. It is these that have apparently led to his sacking. If it is true that he has made sexist comments before then it is right that he should be sacked. For two reasons. (Which is a shame really. If I had another five I could have turned this into a post for 7 Reasons and killed two birds with one stone*). The first reason is that Gray clearly doesn't learn from his previous mistakes. Not only is one forced to question his judgement but also whether he, in fact, does have a sexist streak. The other reason, though, is really the crux of this matter. It's how these comments were made, but more importantly, the environment they were made in.

Now, Jo Brand isn't my cup of tea. Her routine, whether it be on stage or sat behind a desk on a panel show, revolves around men. And more precisely the putting-down of the male species. Are some of her comments sexist? Yes. When you analyse it, most of them are. From a male point of view I have no problem with this. It's not her sexist comments that don't amuse me, it's the fact that I find her routine tired and predictable. But she is very popular as her winning of the 'Best Female TV comic' at last Saturday's British Comedy Awards goes to show. The only complaint people in forums and on the comment pages of the likes of Sky News had was that she wasn't funny. Not one person commented that she was sexist.

I wonder, therefore, if there would have been any reaction at all if Andy Gray had made the comments he did while appearing next to Stephen Fry on QI? Given his (former) occupation as a football pundit, then maybe. So let's change what he said slightly. Not so we lose the gist of what he said, but just so we move it away from football. Let's suppose Gray had suggested a woman could never be a bus driver because she has no sense of direction and can't read a map. Would that have been picked up as sexist and led to his sacking as both a QI and Sky Sports pundit? I am willing to bet that it would not.

This all leads me to conclude that we, as a nation, are happy with sexism so long as it is in the right environment. I am not sure that sits comfortably with me. The uproar on the likes of twitter over what Gray and Keys said, suggest many, many found it offensive. There are some very strong opinions out there. Can I find an equally strong comment about sexism from the likes of Brand? Based on the strength of the complaints about Gray and Keys such a comment would be that television corporations are effectively paying the likes of Jo Brand, the Loose Women, Lee Evans and Jimmy Carr to make sexist remarks. Can I find something like that? No, of course I can't. In fact, I find no comments calling them sexist at all. While I can understand why this is the case, I can't help but feel it is ever so slightly hypocritical of us. Racism doesn't stop being racism in certain environments so surely sexism shouldn't stop being sexism?

Or am I just being too idealistic?

*This is not a sexist comment.

Pink Ponies

2011-01-12T14:21:00.003Z

Hopefully you won't need to have worked in advertising to understand the humour here, but if you don't find it amusing then I'd advise you to look for a weeks work experience in an advertising agency and then come back to watch it afterwards.

Undercity - Hidden New York

2011-01-04T12:05:00.005Z

If you have ever wondered what New York City looks like from fifty feet under then this is for you. It's nearly 30 minutes in length, but well worth the watch. You can read more about it and view some amazing photos at undercity.org.

Dream Racer: The Movie Trailer

2010-12-22T15:44:00.004Z

If you are an avid Jolly Interesting Stuff reader, you will remember that at the start of this year I told you about a film that was being made called Dream Racer. One man's dream to complete the Dakar Rally. Well, now that film has been made. And here is the trailer.

I could wax lyrical about how inspiring it looks, but I don't think I need to. It very much speaks for itself. To keep up to date with Dream Racer and view more clips you can visit dreamracer.tv and join the Dream Racer facebook group.

That Big Small Idea

2010-12-21T08:33:00.009Z

Every day I seem to wake up with a new idea. Which, I guess, is half the problem. If I woke up everyday with the same idea, I might actually get around to doing something with it. And that, in a nutshell, is why I have such admiration for those who have an idea and set out to make it a reality. No matter how big or small. No matter how serious or silly.

Last week I stumbled upon Australian entrepreneur Sebastien Eckersley-Maslin's attempt to create The World's Smallest Multinational. This needs no further explanation, but I will say I found the concept intriguing and the execution - so far - inspiring. The actual organisation he tries to take global is a brilliant idea within a brilliant idea. It really is one of those, 'I wish I had thought of that' moments. I had a similar experience last night when my girlfriend gave me a Christmas card. But I digress, accompanying the mission is a really nice web series of which you can view the first episode below. This sets the scene for what is to come, but I encourage you to head over to the Sebastien International Web Series page to watch him as he travels from Sydney to Tokyo, London, Paris, New York and San Francisco.

I think it will be really interesting to see what drives this project from now on. The initial idea of trying to create the world's smallest multinational or the One For One organisation. Would Sebastien be prepared to close offices in say Tokyo, Paris and San Francisco if it will aid One For One? You're probably not going to be able to tell me are you? Perhaps I'll go and ask him instead.

Midnight Train To Georgia

2010-09-09T13:37:00.005+01:00

You may have been wondering what on earth is going on with Jolly Interesting Stuff as of late. It used to be filled with so many apparently random ideas. Catching 100 buses in one night; driving between New York and San Francisco 25 times to beat an iPod; getting engaged on on New Year's Eve.* Recently though there hasn't even been a flicker of a new challenge or a bizarre project. Well that's because I have been planning. And playing with next door's cat. And when you are planning and playing with next doors cat you really have to give it 100% of your time and attention. But now the planning is over and next door's cat has escaped, so I can finally tell you what I am doing next. (As well as 7 Reasons, Third Shepherd™ and getting Is This You? published).

The working title of my new project is Midnight Train To Georgia. No doubt I am violating some copyright issue by calling it that, but until Gladys Knight sends the Pips over to have a word, that is what it shall remain. As the name suggests, I am planning to catch the Midnight Train To Georgia. If indeed there is one. But that's half the fun. The seed of this idea started many years ago when I was at University. I thought, having just heard the Deep Blue Something song, 'Wouldn't it be fun to have Breakfast At Tiffany's?' And at the time my answer was yes. But I never got round to doing it. Eight years on, my answer is still yes. But it's also no. There is nothing much to eating breakfast at Tiffany's. Basically it involves eating and getting asked to leave. That may have been the type of thing a younger me would have done - in a respectable manner of course - now though, it seems somewhat, well, immature. Without giving away too much of what Is This You? is about, I end up inspiring people to reconnect with friends and family who they have, for whatever reason, lost contact with. That was never the intention. It started as a whimsical quest to try and find my best friend's look-alike. But it evolved in to something that I could never have foreseen. And it evolved in to something life changing. Partly for me, but more for other people. It was fantastic and I wouldn't change any of it, but it was fantastic because of the end point. The start of it was just silly. Very, very silly. So I don't want to do silly things anymore. Not that silly anyway. Everything I do will always have a quirky edge, because that's what I do, but there will also have to be stimulation. And that is why I don't want breakfast at Tiffany's, it's why I want to catch the midnight train to Georgia. I imagine it must be a fascinating thing to do. More fascinating than the midnight train to Loughborough anyway. The characters, the scenery (I'll have to take a torch), the sandwiches. Think Michael Palin meets Bill Bryson meets Jonathan Lee.

Catching the midnight train to Georgia is only the start though. I am going to embark on a number of other journeys that are inspired by song titles. The plan is to make a film of it and also make it my second book. And this is where you come in. Because you get to shape my journey. You get to decide where I go. Or at least you suggest songs and I think about them or ignore them depending on whether they might get me killed or not. Oh, and each song doesn't have to follow on from the other. I.E.: My second trip doesn't have to start in Georgia. And please, do me a favour, don't suggest Breakfast at Tiffany's. I look forward to all your suggestions - either in the comments section or in an email if you want to suggest something by Steps. And who knows, maybe you'll get to join me for a leg of the journey.

*One of these may still happen. I'll let you guess which.

Friend's Ununited

2010-09-07T13:04:00.006+01:00

The thing is, I'm not a cynic. I look for the positive. I take things at face value. Above all, I trust. But today I got an email that made me rethink all that. Or, at the very least, it made me delete my Friend's Reunited account. I had an email telling me I had a message from an old school 'friend'. For purposes of this post, let's call her Lucy. Now Lucy and I were never really friends. We were in the same class and I think we may have sat next to each other in Art or Science or something, but that was as close as we ever got. In hindsight, given that I am now with someone I truly adore, I am delighted, but I'd be lying if I said that at the age of ten I didn't like her. Quite why I liked her I can't remember now. I don't remember her making me laugh and by all accounts she wasn't much to write home about in the looks department either. But then again, neither was I. My plastic spectacles the only thing taking attention away from my schoolboy fringe. Somehow, in some way though, I did fancy her. And somehow, in some way, the whole class found out. Maybe I was naive, but the day she asked me what shampoo I used was the day I went home a very happy boy. I liked a girl and she appreciated my taste in hair cleaning products. When you're ten that is the kind of thing that gets you through your homework. Well it did me anyway. I suspect I was buoyant as I made my way to school the next day. Maybe this day was the day I'd get myself a girlfriend? It wasn't. I had been set up. Lucy wasn't interested in me. Or my hair. She was playing to the class. Pretending to be interested in me. I was mocked. You would think I would have felt humiliated. But I don't remember that being the case. I think I just laughed it off and went back to the playground to play cricket. Inside though, I must have been hurting. Because I never forgave her. Not that she ever asked for forgiveness. Or apologised. That is, until today. In her email, she writes:

"Do you remember when we played that game and I pretended to fancy you? Sorry."

Now, maybe she means it. I don't know. Do you feel a pang of regret 17 years on from something you did at school and try and rectify it? Perhaps some people do. Unfortunately, the rest of Lucy's email is quite complimentary. I say unfortunately, because it is this that leads me to be cynical. Lucy mentions a few things she has read about me. She says she's read a few things I've written. And she says she likes it all. Words to that effect anyway. And then she asks me if I can use the audience I have (she really needs to check the recent stats for this blog) and plug her JustGiving page.

That's when I delete the email and then delete my Friend's Reunited profile. I'll stick with my real friends on Facebook and Twitter I think.

Wisdom From A Man: Number Four

2010-08-05T09:00:00.001+01:00

It is sometimes fun to leave a message on a friend's phone saying how much you have just enjoyed their funeral.

Wisdom From A Man: Number Three

2010-08-04T16:40:00.003+01:00

If anyone ever says to you, 'I can't see myself as a fireman', buy them a yellow hard hat and a mirror.

Wisdom From A Man: Number Two

2010-08-04T10:35:00.004+01:00

When making an Indian, it is more fun if you are dressed as a cowboy.

Wisdom From A Man: Number One

2010-08-03T16:05:00.005+01:00

To avoid funny looks from neighbours it is best to put laundry on the line that has actually been in the washing-machine.

One Of Those I Wish I'd Thought Of

2010-08-03T12:26:00.004+01:00

There is a Russian photographer who goes by the name of Sergey Larenkov. He has been superimposing photos from World War II over modern photos of the exact location. And the results are stunning. You can see the rest here.

This post was written listening to the theme from The Dam Busters.

Something About A Man

2010-08-02T15:19:00.011+01:00

There are two of us picking up this man. We are a team. I have the strength and the sweaty brow, he has the experience and the hip-replacement. But we're doing it. We are actually getting this man back to his feet. He has been on the floor for ten minutes, which is too long for anyone to be on the floor of a shopping centre really. If I had actually realised he didn't want to be on the floor, I would have probably helped him up much earlier. But that's the trouble with cafe-curtains, sometimes they just don't allow you to see. Which is why, instead of helping him up, I am eating scones with my girlfriend and wondering which decade this part of the coffee shop is supposed to resemble. Based on the cafe-curtains we decide on 1947. Which was probably the year my future partner in lifting was first experiencing long trousers. Not that I've met him yet. In fact, I am completely oblivious as to what is about to happen.

But then it does happen. The coffee shop usher (yes, I frequent coffee shops that employ ushers) is next to me, asking for a hand in helping a man to his feet. I don't even have time to say yes, my legs had already started following him. Thirty seconds later we had made it the ten yards to the man on the floor. Sadly, this isn't a joke. We both grab an arm each and haul the man to his feet. The man doesn't seem to know what is happening. I begin to worry that my comrade and I have picked on the wrong man. Maybe he's an artist. Maybe he's a breakdancer. Maybe he was a asleep. Thankfully though my worries are allayed. The man says, 'Thank you, Sir'. I like being called Sir. It doesn't happen enough. Unless someone thinks I'm Andrew Strauss. I look at Hip-Rep - as I have started to call him in my mind - and a feel a tinge of pride. If it wasn't for him and his inability to lift alone, we would never have met. But now we had. And now we had started something. And there was much to do. The world was our oyster. I had always wanted the world to be my oyster. For so long it had just been earth. Now it was an oyster. And oysters are slippery. People would be falling about all over the place. Hip-Rep and I had a future together. A future of lifting people up. A future of getting people back on their feet and saying, 'On your way now'. I liked that. That was me.

But then something odd happens. Hip-Rep walks back inside the coffee shop and gets on with ushering people to tables. Glumly, I sit down next to my girlfriend. 'Did he say thank you?' she said. 'Yes,' I replied. But somehow it wasn't quite enough.

This post was written listening to the burglar alarm up the road.

An Untitled Post

2010-07-30T14:37:00.003+01:00

It's amazing when you have a week off. Even if it's an unintentional week off like this one. You get sidetracked by origami and ginger cake. And, if you're lucky, you remember you used to do a blog. A blog like this one. There was a time when I was proud of this blog. It was a hub of activity and an integral part of 33 people's daily internet viewing. These days it hides in the shadows of other more important and popular irritants. It's sad really, I know I should do something to give it life, but like a doctor bored with his patient, I am happy to let it fade away. Unfortunately, I don't find myself possessing the necessary sadistic qualities. Everytime I try to let it die, I feel a tinge of regret. I remember - fondly - times when I used to write about American and Russian cocktails and I was in a thriving relationship with a young African girl who didn't exist. I want to write like that again. Or, more is the point, I want to feel like I want to write like that again. It was easy before. I didn't need to force it. I was just able to write. I don't know if I am suffering from a major case of 'bloggers block' or whether it is simply a case that young African millionaires have lost my email address. I guess that sounds like a cliché, but it's true. I did decide yesterday, though, that I should at least try. So we have a new layout and a new post. Maybe that will inspire me. Maybe it won't. But we'll enjoy finding out won't we?

This post was brought to you by tea and Test Match Special.

A New Layout

2010-07-29T09:49:00.000+01:00

Don't worry, it's not your web browser, it's me. I am mucking around with the layout and doing a useless job of it at the same time. I'll get it sorted though. Just trust me.

7 Reasons I Am Rubbish At Origami

2010-07-29T08:37:00.001+01:00

7 Reasons John McEnroe Can Not Be Serious (About His Hair)

2010-06-28T09:45:00.002+01:00

Launch The Pod

2010-06-02T10:58:00.004+01:00

Hello you two. It's me again. We've reached June 2010. Nice one. It's the best month of the year. This is to let you know that Marc and I have been busy trying to work out how to use a microphone recently. And the good news is, we managed it. We even learnt to press record. The result is the brand spanking new 7 Reasons podcast. We don't know what it will be yet, it's a bit of a work in progress, but we do know what it won't be. It won't be us, reading out that week's 7 Reasons posts. In other words, it'll actually be interesting. And hopefully funny. So I guess you are wondering where you can subscribe? Well itunes is the place. Just go here. Or, if you don't have itunes, then you can visit our website and listen/download it from there. Until next time, peace out dudes.

Jump In Comfort

2010-05-17T18:02:00.003+01:00

This was taken on the upper level of a car park in High Wycombe. I went there so you don't have to. At first I thought it was funny. I know I did because I laughed. But when you think about it, it's actually quite sobering.

Politics Isn't Football

2010-05-14T17:26:00.009+01:00

I'm a little bit disturbed. And that's very different from, 'I'm a little bit disturbing,' before anyone thinks they should stop reading. If you read my last post you will know we have a new government in the UK. I'm of the opinion that they should be given the chance to get this country back to where it should be. Rather worryingly though, I seem to be in a minority. I've read various newspaper columns and websites and seen comments on social networking sites over the last few days, that have, in all honesty, made me shake my head. And these comments are not just from Labour supporters. They are from those of all political persuasions. Tory. Lib Dem. Green. Monster Raving Loony. Monster Munch. The glaringly obvious conclusion is that people want this coalition to fail. Why? Well basically it is because your party of choice isn't in power. Or, if they are, they are not in power in the way you wanted. My question is, 'So what?' As surprising as it might sound, I didn't vote for a poxy coalition either. Am I glad we have one? No, I'm poxy well not. But that doesn't matter. Really it doesn't. The fact is, we do.

Like it or not, David Cameron is Prime Minister and Nick Clegg is his deputy. Their job is to make this country the best it can be. For me. For you. For your next door neighbour. For the milkman. For Peter Stringfellow. For Edd The Duck. For everyone. Shouldn't we all be hoping they can do that? Supporting a particular political party is not like supporting your local - or not so local - football team. We shouldn't want one to fail just because we don't like them. We should want them all to do their best for all of us. I was never a fan of Gordon Brown, but did I want him to make the UK a better place? Of course I did. I didn't want him to cock our country up. So why do people want David Cameron to fail? Well the general consensus seems to be because his cabinet is full of posh boys. Oh, and because he comes across as smug. Seriously, what is that about? It's a bit like me saying I don't want England to win the Football World Cup because I don't like the fact that Steven Gerrard doesn't sing the National Anthem. (And that is something that really annoys me). But I don't want England to fail. I want them to win. And, I'm sorry, but if you have any pride at all in this country then you should want this coalition to win too.

End of rant. Tomorrow I'll be back to writing about myself again. Probably something about my guns. I say tomorrow, it'll probably be June. When I've been in the weights room.

The Strong, Stable Post This Blog So Desperately Needs

2010-05-12T18:28:00.009+01:00

Something dawned on me this morning. And it wasn't that I should stop drinking so much tea. (Mrs Jolly Interesting Stuff told me that on Monday). It was that I am never going to be able to update this blog again. Not meaningfully anyway. Around about this time last year I was knocking out about 15 posts a month. How many did I write in April 2010? Zero. Zilch. Nought. Nout. Less than one. Given that I promised in my last post that I was going to go back to posting more regularly I think we can tag this as a #leefail. It's not that I don't want to post stuff, I do. I really do. It's just that every bloody idea I have these days I end up turning into a 7 Reasons post. Which, while I am on the subject, has a new advert.

But that was this morning. This afternoon, something else dawned on me. There is still hope. I was watching Dave and Nick laughing about in the garden and for whatever reason I felt a profound sense of optimism. I am now going to alienate all two of my readers, but I have something to say. I like David Cameron. I like Nick Clegg. I don't necessarily agree with all their political beliefs, but as people, as men, I like them. To me they are nice men. But they are also very different nice men. Very different nice men who are going to try and work together for the greater good. Yes, you can laugh. Yes, you can be cynical. You can believe that they have made a pact for their own self-worth. The fact is, I disagree. But that's because I am not a cynic. And I don't believe in pre-judgment. I believe in hope. And if hope is a coalition, then I believe in it. I believe it can work.

And that leads me nicely back to my point. I believe Jolly Interesting Stuff and 7 Reasons can work together. It just so happens that I have always seen Jolly Interesting Stuff as the Conservative Party and 7 Reasons as the Liberal Democrats. So what I propose is this. A coalition. I will be Prime Minister and have the good looking wife. The majority of my time will be spent here. In the Jolly Interesting Stuff rose garden. Which incidentally looks a lot like my bedroom. Occasionally I will pop over to 7 Reasons and contribute there, but, in the main, the responsibility for that site will be that of my deputy. That's Marc Fearns. Marc will also start writing for Jolly Interesting Stuff. This does of course mean the Fearns blog is left out in the cold. But as it's made in Yorkshire it'll be used to that. I did discuss the other option with myself - me writing for Marc - but I looked at myself in the mirror and felt so uninspired. Marc writing for me is so much better. We can do something with this arrangement. This is the only way that Jolly Interesting Stuff can be the strong, stable blog the internet so desperately needs. I'll let you know how my discussions with Marc go. Or you could just watch the news.

Male Lesbianism: An Insight.

2010-03-31T20:49:00.007+01:00

About a month ago the BBC told me I was a lesbian. Not in so many words of course; we are talking about the BBC here. They can't be seen to swing one way or the other. But they certainly indicated I was a lesbian. Basically they told me - not through the voice of Fiona Bruce but that is how I like to remember it – that I think like a woman. Quite how they have to audacity to suggest such a thing when they employee Alan Carr as a man, is anyone's guess. But the fact remains that they did.

Taking that on board, I can do the maths. Think like a woman + fancy a woman (please note the lack of a plural) = lesbian. You can't think like a woman and fancy women and be straight. That's called denial. And I can't think like a woman and fancy women because I'll get told off.

Anyway, the point of this post is to warn all men - who are in fact lesbians – not to brag about it. Upon discovering that I was a lesbian, I may have shouted about it quite a lot. I'm not sure why. I guess at the time it felt exciting. Now though, it doesn't feel quite so good. In fact, since those joyous scenes in the pub, there have been consequences. And they are not great. The woman I fancy now calls me Mylene, ING Direct have sent me a highly effeminate eco-friendly shopping bag and my Mum has put potpourri in my bedroom. (I know what you are thinking, 'You're a 26 year old bloke and you still live with your Mum?!' No I'm not actually. I'm a 26 year-old male lesbian who has just returned to the parental home for Easter. So there).

The really worrying thing is, I didn't even tell my Mum that Fiona Bruce had come to see me. Nor has my Mum mentioned my new approach to life in the few hours I have been back in Gloucestershire. So either she's just picked up on signals via very recent phone calls, or, even more disturbing, she has known for years. What a horrendous thing to have to live with. (The knowledge that her eldest son is a lesbian, not her eldest son per se). Has she told my Dad? Does my brother know? Is it hereditary? Is my brother a lesbian too? Let's be honest about this, if anyone had to guess which of the two of us was a lesbian, nearly all would say my brother. He's the hairy one.

So all in all, I'm very confused. I pay my license fee so that I can enjoy Spooks on a Monday night, not so I spend the whole hour wondering if Ros is too butch for me. (She's not is she?)

Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Eight

2010-03-24T18:12:00.006Z

"That was embarrassing. I just sat down next to the wrong woman."
Discovered: Wednesday 24th March, 2010.
Location: The train from Coventry to Euston.
Circumstances: Man sits down next to his wife and tells her what just happened.
Excuse(s): He was making polite conversation.
Consequence(s): 1 - Wife looks around to see if she can find the woman who supposedly looks like her. 2 - A lot of scowling. 3 - Ignores cup of tea husband goes to fetch for her. 4 - Silence for the next 58 minutes.
Positive(s): 1 - He had two cups of tea. 2 - I didn't have to listen to their Brummie accents.
Action to take next time: 1 - He needs to be more observant. 2 - I need to teach myself not to travel to Coventry.

NB: See here for Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Numbers 1-6 and here for Number 7.

Time For A New Dear Jon Letter (The Republic Of Guinea Bissau Version)

2010-03-23T11:58:00.005Z

If you can think back to 2009, you may remember that I had a burgeoning relationship with a young lady from Sudan called Julia John. Yes, she was the one who wanted to come and live with me and give me lots of money. Then she dumped me. Cow. Well it turns out that she must still have a place for me in her heart because today I received this. It's uncanny.

Hello Dear

Did Julia John not tell you? It's Dear Jon or Dear Mr Lee. Forgetting the name is particularly damaging to my ego. A less secure man may think you're sending this to all the boys.

I presume this letter will come to you as a surprise, but as things unfold, we will know each other better, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency and importance of the information.

And the fact that you don't have my Certified mail/Post-mail address. Which I assume is some fancy description for my address? You are right though. This letter does come to me as a surprise. But also a disappointment. I have run out of enlargement pills and am looking for offers.

This project is based on Trust, confidentiality and sincerity of purpose in order to have an acceptable meeting of the minds. I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret it. I also know you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of us.

Right, firstly I am concerned about this being called a 'project'. That smacks of hard work to me. I don't have the time for hard work. I have blogs to write and cricket to watch and sleep to sleep. I am also a little perplexed by your use of a capital 'T' in the word trust. Is Trust a place? Do I need to go there? Are you coming? I can't do Friday. There are also many ways of having an acceptable meeting of minds. I prefer the method by which I say something and you nod. Rest assured I shall not betray this trust, but you need to be aware that I do expose myself on occasions. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it.

My name is Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie a 23 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late General Batista Tagme Na Waie. My late father was the chief of staff of the army of Guinea-Bissau. On March 1, 2009, My late father was killed in a bomb attack when the military's headquarters were attacked. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://www.welt.de/english-news/article3300063/General-Na-Wai-killed-in-government-building-attack.html or http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7918792.stm

I am pleased to meet your acquaintance Eliza Batista Tagme Na Waie. That's quite a mouthful. One day you may say that to me. With all due respect your father sounds like he got what he deserved. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he had been sleeping around. Do you know how many of his daughters are sending emails like this? A lot. A lot. I suspect this is why he was killed. Probably by your mother. Or her mother. Or hers. Or hers. Or hers. You get the idea. He was a slut.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 4.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I think you need to look on the bright side of life a bit more. Yes your stepmother slapped you around a bit and she stole your international passport, but so what? You have a file, a domestic passport and US$4.7 Million. That's pretty good going for 23 years of age. Do you know how useful a file can be? Incidentally, my ex, Julia John also stayed in the Mission in Burkino Faso. I have often wondered if she's still there. Perhaps you could go and look for me? I just want to know that she is still miserable and lonely. Thanks.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Quite why you felt it necessary to contact Bank is beyond me. It really is the most complex of tube stations. You really should have started with Sloane Square. But I admire your Dunkirk spirit. Which Branch Manager was it anyway? I am very good friends with the Bakerloo Branch Manager. He lets me play with his train set on Sundays. He even shuts down the entire line for me. Anyway, I digress. I note you need a trustee who will stand for you. May I ask, do you have no legs or are you just very fat? The answer to this question will determine whether I help you or not. I need to work out how hard it would be for me to run away from you.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

You're quite a confident girl. I like that. Though I imagine when we meet I may go a bit quiet and ignore you. This is nothing personal. I just have a fascination with walls. I really must point out though, that at no point did I indicate my interest in helping you. You sent me the email. So stop trying to twist everything and make me seem like the the desperate one. I am not. Though I am interested in the money so I'll help. However, for what you want me to do, I really feel I am worth more than 20%. You are coming to live with me after all. I need at least 75%. Any less and we'll have to leave Fulham for Hammersmith. This would not be healthy. As for investing in profitable ventures of my choice, well my choice is films about buses. Rock on.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

I look forward to hearing from you. I am very excited about us. What details are you going to give me? Do you have a photo? Or an Oyster card? Where do you keep your Oyster card? Do you like Oysters? I quite like jam now. Strawberry. Oh, we are going to have so much fun.

Yours sincerely,
Eliza Batista Tagme.

Time For Propaganda

2010-03-22T10:18:00.007Z

Time For A Peacock

2010-03-22T10:12:00.001Z

Time To Reject

2010-03-16T13:12:00.006Z

It's been nearly a month since I went on holiday. How time flies when you are thinking about enjoying yourself. Not that it was exactly a holiday. It was more a case of doing what I usually do without stopping occasionally to update my blog. Kind of. In fact, the real truth goes much deeper. I have, after much deliberation, been putting an end to what I usually do. You see, in the last year I agreed to get involved in approximately 33,786 projects. Approximately. Now, while I have the brain capacity to complete such trivialities, what I don't possess is the time, the inclination, the lung capacity or the direct access to a girl guides motorbike stunt display team (that was a strange project idea). It finally dawned on me that with so many projects on the go none of them were actually moving forward at anything like the speed I needed them to. Skodas have travelled up hills faster. The only way to rectify this has been to do some culling. So, here is a quick breakdown of what is staying and what is going from Lee Enterprises. Let's start with the goners.

The US iPod Challenge. For the time being the mammoth 73,000 mile road trip between New York and San Francisco - that esteemed architect Nicholas Kennedy and I were planning on tackling - has been shelved. Out of all the projects this was the hardest one to say goodbye to. We've spent years planning it. We have sponsors. We have petrol (or gasoline). We have a car. We have a sat-nav. We have a compass. We have a tent. Come to think of it, the only thing we don't have is an iPod. So why have we shelved it? Well, basically it comes down to time. We don't have it. Not now. Nicholas is having a baby. So is his wife. I am having roast beef. We may come back to it in five years.

One Night One Hundred Buses. Now I know some people thought the idea of me trying to set a world record for the number of buses caught on one night was a bit stupid. I can see your point of view, but it actually wasn't. It was actually quite cool. Now, though, you'll just have to take my word for it because it has been postponed. And when I say postponed, I mean expelled from my mind. It's a time thing again really. The getting on the 100 buses in one night is the easy bit, that hard part will come afterwards when I have to edit it all. I want to do it properly and that means concentrating on it 24/7. Something I can't commit to. If I spend less than all my time on it, it's just going to end up as a 'direct to YouTube' film. And the idea deserves so much more than that. I also need to prove you all wrong. One day you'll be forced to apologise to me though. This project is not totally dead yet.

Sandra Bullock. I am no longer paying attention to her. I'm glad she won her Oscar, but as far as our future together goes, well I think that was just infatuation on my part. And lust on hers.

So that's the bad news out of the way - particularly for Sandra - so what about the good news? Well here is what I will be doing this year. (Yes, I guess some of these could also be deemed bad news. Perhaps I should have done a vote?).

Strauss v Ponting: The Ashes Diaries 2010/11. The 2009 was a very half-hearted effort. So half-hearted in fact that I actually gave up before The Ashes started. That's quite a poor effort by anyone's standards. In the end I spent all summer doing it via Twitter. Which, while proving moderately popular with Michael Slater and the Barmy Army, didn't really help me in a professional sense. So this time it's going to be the proper thing. Not that I know which publication is going to let me run with it yet, but one will. They'd be silly not to.

The sitcom. I can't quite remember when I first said I was writing a sitcom, but it must have been nearly a year ago. Funnily enough it's not quite finished yet. Or should that be not quite started yet? Anyway, it's going to happen. I even have books on scriptwriting.

7 Reasons. Yes, I'll still be churning out irreverent reasonings on a wide variety of as yet unthought of topics. Which reminds me, I must discuss the idea of having June - August off so that I can have a life.

So that's where we are at. You may have spotted the pattern. Out are going the random missions and the filming of the random missions, remaining and being pushed to the forefront is the writing. I guess the truth is that I enjoy writing more than I do travelling around on four wheels.

Without getting too 'acceptance speech-ish', I do want to say thank you to the ridiculously large number of people have been in touch over the last year offering their services (not like that) and wishing me luck - especially with the US iPod Challenge and One Night One Hundred Buses. I know I have a habit of occasionally appearing to be a self-loving egocentric narcissist, but I am not really. I'm actually quite nice and I am always very grateful and humbled when people get in touch for whatever reason. So thank you and I am sorry if you feel I have let you down in some way. To make it up to you I am coming back to Jolly Interesting Stuff on a permanent basis again. Never will you have to go for longer than a few days without reading a bit of nonsense here. Right, let's rock.

Time For a Holiday

2010-02-22T23:03:00.005Z

Jolly Interesting Stuff is a year old this week. Over 135,000 of you have dropped by at one time or another. Sixteen of you have even revisited. Thanks. I'm going to take a break for a month or so now. A number of things need sorting out and I think it's only fair that I don't give you half-hearted posts - as I have been inclined to do in the last month or so. (There is also the fact that my Mac has been taken from me and I hate PCs).

In the meantime, let me point you in the direction of Tom Billinghurst's blog. Tom and I attended the same cricket academy in Perth in 2006. He had this annoying habit of knocking my stumps over. The muppet. The one thing I was better than him at though, was, I thought, writing. Well, it turns out this may no longer be the case. It is well worth the read. And just in case you think I am being biased, I am not. Bob Massie was the bowling coach at the academy. I have never told you about his blog for a reason.

7 Reasons Owl City's Fireflies Is Nonsense

2010-02-13T13:47:00.004Z

1. “You would not believe your eyes, if ten million fireflies, lit up the world as I fell asleep.” Ten million fireflies? Seriously? Do you know how difficult that would be to organise?

2. “’Cause they’d fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere.” Erm…if a firefly cried it would just put itself out. In fact it would probably drown itself. Logic fail and animal cruelty in one sentence. Classy.

3. “It’s hard to say, that I’d rather stay,  awake when I’m asleep.” Well of course it bloody is. Even the most accomplished of sleep-talkers struggle to say what they want when they are asleep. Most of them talk about cows.

4. “’Cause I’d get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they tried to teach me how to dance.” No, no and no again. So that’s one hug from every ten bugs is it? How exactly does that work then? And what the hell happened to the other 9,990,000 fireflies? Oh, that’s right. They died in a teardrop suicide pact.

5. “A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed, a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.” What? What the hell is a sock hop? Is that the thing a newly pubescent boy uses eight times a night?

6. “To ten million fireflies, I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell.” Yeah, not just weird to fireflies buddy. Now stop being a big tart and grow a pair.

7. “But I’ll know where several are, if my dreams get real bizarre, ’cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.” What is wrong with you man? You keep fireflies in a jar? Can’t you afford a lava lamp?

Head over to 7 Reasons for your daily dose of humorous irreverence.

American High Schools 1 English Grammar Schools 0

2010-02-03T17:57:00.004Z

Sixty Seconds With Gareth Woodham

2010-01-31T10:00:00.006Z

Sixty Seconds With... is back. Perhaps just for today. Perhaps longer. No actually, who am I trying to kid? It's just for today. And today we meet the British adventurer and holder of several endurance records, Gareth Woodham. Commonly referred to as the 'Ranulph Fiennes of Marston Moretaine', this is him. In his words.

You have caught me in the club with two lap-dancers on my knees. One might be female.

Silence is doing it poorly.

The last time I heard Mika, I was the DJ.

If it was any bigger than it is at the moment, I would have to get a firm in.

The one piece of advice I will offer is never to offer the author of this blog a job. He'll take it. Then leave. Then come back. Then leave again. Then come back again. Then leave again. Then come back again. Then leave again. True story.

To do good work is my life's ambition. I'll get there one day.

I have more athletic ability than the hours I spend playing Call Of Duty suggests.

Half way around this corner is a pub. So that's why I have decided to move the regional office again.

I wasn't there when I should have been. Which is why I am now here.

The definition of success is what Jonathan Lee will be doing in five years.

Ten years from now I want to be a lady of leisure.

I admire anyone who can carry four pints and a bowl of pistachio nuts all at once.

Did you ever see me as Mr T? No? Add me as a friend on facebook.

It doesn't take more than five minutes to add me on facebook. I seriously need more friends.

When I've finished this I will wonder why I agreed to it in the first place.

Gareth Woodham was talking to Jolly Interesting Stuff courtesy of Forest of Marston Vale Pies.

Bullocks: How To Ruin A Fantasy. Part One.

2010-01-26T20:12:00.010Z

In recent times my lounge has been lacking a little in the way of character. All the plants went on an unexpected water strike and the ironing board found it's way back to the cupboard. As a result I have been on the look out for paintings that could do justice to the colour of my walls. To be honest I wasn't having much luck. That was until last night. Last night I received this wondrous gift from Ceci Masters of Swanning About fame. It's my face on Sandra Bullock's body. I think it is fair to say that my lounge will never be the same again. And neither will the fantasies.

Dream Racer: Part Deux

2010-01-23T12:43:00.005Z

On New Year's Day you may remember I told you to follow the Dream Racer blog. I hope you did because it was a great read; conveying hope and despair and joy and pain. All on a daily basis. Just to achieve a dream. Last week - against the odds - they completed the race. Yes, it sounds like a cliché, but there is nothing wrong with that. Clichés happen. And I make no apologies for being a romantic. To me there is nothing greater than to achieve when everything is stacked against you. (Which is probably why I have decided to make a new film - 'Alex Bogdanovic: My Quest For The 2010 Wimbledon Title'). Above you can see a quick montage of some of the Dream Racer footage. Lifting your bike up when you have torn triceps and an injured back is an overrated pursuit.

Tutto Su Jonatano

2010-01-20T16:50:00.003Z

Buon giorno. If you ever wanted to know what the Italians think of me, now is your chance to find out.

Melk Styrker Kroppen

2010-01-18T22:10:00.011Z

I know what you're thinking, "The Norwegians think Jon's gay too?". (I have added the question mark for my own sanity). Thankfully, this time, your understanding of foreign languages has let you down. You are only good with the Japanese. That's if you actually tried to translate the title. Maybe it was just one of your long-held beliefs. In which case, not only are you wrong, but I would also like to know which post was responsible for making you believe such a thing? For someone who plans to get engaged on New Year's Eve - to a woman- this kind of thing is more than a little important. Anyway, that's enough about me for one paragraph. Melk Styrker Kroppen actually means, Milk For A Stronger Body. Unless you enter it into Google Translate in which case it comes out as, Milk Fail Body. I can only assume something has been lost in translation. A bit like Jodie Marsh. Basically, what I am trying to say, in a sort of round about way, is that I like watching people fall over. To music.

Ignore the lyric, 'The Company Was Gay'. I have never entertained the idea of sleeping with a pub darts team.

One Night. One Hundred Buses. 89 Days To Go.

2010-01-12T23:24:00.009Z

Way back in 2009 you may remember me mentioning something called One Night, One Hundred Buses. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it can't have been much when you consider that back then I didn't really know what I was talking about. Not because I was on drugs or anything like that, I just didn't have the facts to hand. Now I do. Sort of. Between dusk on Monday 12th April and dawn on Tuesday 13th April 2010, I, along with one cameraman, one certified representative of Guinness World Records and one tea-lady, will be attempting to catch 100 London buses.

Let's start by answering what I imagine will be a popular question, "Why?" Well the answer to this lies in advertising. Just over a year ago I was working on ideas for a Transport For London campaign with a particular emphasis on getting people to use buses more. The way I saw it, the one thing buses had going for them was that there were bloody millions of the things. Oh, and they ran at night. That was about it. So one of my ideas - in very simple terms - was a competition. A competition that would create a buzz. A competition that would challenge people to catch as many buses as they could in a single 24 hour period. A competition that would mean the tubes were empty and I would have an enjoyable trip home. It wouldn't have been hard to monitor either, as Oyster cards record all that data. Anyway, some liked it, most thought I was mental. Probably those that actually caught the bus. In the end I expect they went for a poster that said, 'Catch The Bus!'. I really couldn't care less.

So, I was left with the idea. And now I want to prove it would have worked.

Using a little bit of common sense, I have tweaked the concept slightly. Twenty-four hours is a long time - it's pretty much a day in some places - so I have more than halved it. I think you'll agree that One Night, One Hundred Buses sounds much better than One Day, Two Hundred Buses. It is also sounds like much less work. So that's the first thing. The second thing is that there is no world record out there for 'the number of buses caught in a single night'. By 8am on Tuesday 13th April, there will be. And it will belong to me. (So long as there isn't a strike). In theory it will also belong to my cameraman given that he will be with me throughout proceedings getting the footage that will turn this baby into a film. But we'll gloss over that for now. I am doing all the planning after all. He is just going to be standing there holding a bit of expensive camera equipment.

By the night of the challenge we will all be aware of the rules and regulations I have to adhere to. Because I will have told you about twenty times. To reward your loyalty though, I am prepared to give you a sneak peek. They will look something like this.

1) I must not catch the same numbered/destined bus more than once. For example, I can only catch the 11 to Ealing Broadway once. However, I would still be able to catch the 11 to Liverpool Street or the 207 to Ealing Broadway or even the N11 to Eailing Broadway.

2) I must not stay on a bus for longer than one stop.

3) I must not go along the same part of road twice unless I am travelling in the opposite direction.

4) I am allowed to walk/run between bus stops but I am not able to use any other form of transport.

5) I must pay for each journey. An Oyster card swipe is sufficient.

6) The period 'night' is determined as the time between dusk on Monday 12th April and dawn on Tuesday 13th April 2010. Based on those timings from previous years, it will give me approximately 11 hours (7:45pm - 06:45am)

And as things stand, that is where we are up to. The skeleton is in place. I just have to plan the night. Plan the best route. Plan which buses to get. Plan when to get them. Plan back up plans if they don't turn up. And try not to break a leg.

If anyone would like to get involved in anyway then send me an email: mrjonathanjameslee@gmail.com Support and abuse are also welcome. Incidentally, you probably have a better chance of getting in the film if your message is full of venom. I will make you look like a prick though.

Postcard

2010-01-09T11:55:00.002Z

Dream Racer

2010-01-01T08:00:00.001Z

I told you I'd catch up with you tomorrow didn't I? Even better though, I've caught up with you today. I salute myself.

If you are a fan of brilliance, I strongly suggest you follow this new blog – Dream Racer. My cousin, Simon, is currently out in Argentina filming a...er...film. It's about Christophe Barriere Varju's attempt to complete the Dakar Rally - a 10,000km odyssey through the harshest terrain on earth. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Jon, surely your attempt to catch one hundred buses in one night is far harder'. Well, yes, you are probably right, but I think it's churlish to compare the two feats of endurance. I won't be doing it in the desert for a start. And between you and me, I doubt One Night, One Hundred Buses will ever be granted a cinematic release. There is a chance Dream Racer could be. Not that that should be your sole reason for following it, it's also to do with the fact that it's a challenge of epic proportions. The realisation of a dream. Simon will be blogging throughout the race and possibly beyond as the project goes from filming to post-production to Hollywood. So yes, follow the Dream Racer blog now. You can also visit Christophe's site here. And before you ask, no, I can't get you a discount on motorbikes.

I'm Back For 2010

2009-12-31T17:52:00.011Z

Hello. It's me. The need I feel to clarify who I am on my own blog is purely a result of not being on here much recently. I know you've missed me as much as I have missed you so I shall take the lead and rectify the unfortunate situation we have seemingly found ourselves in. If you are wondering what I've been up to then the results can be found at 7Reasons.org. It is quite possibly the most time consuming project I have ever had the misfortune of getting involved in. That's not to say I don't like it, I do, it's just bloody hard work and the main reason I have neglected you. So if you have issues with this I strongly encourage you to send abusive emails to my boss marc@7reasons.org.

When you've done that though, do come back here because 2010 is going to be twice as good as 2009. Maybe not on an international scale, but certainly on a local level. That local level being the life of Jonathan Lee. Obviously the highlight of 2010 is going to be my attempt to catch one hundred buses in one night and quite possibly failing because the whole of TFL will be on strike. Whatever happens though, it will be something that is filmed and in one way or other released for public consumption. Then there is the eagerly anticipated release of Is This You? Something that my Mum has been waiting for since about 1993. It's not confirmed yet, but let's just say it's looking good. (So that'll be 2012 before it's out then). What else? Oh yes, I will be proposing to some lucky lady next New Years Eve. I am not entirely sure who it's going to be yet so get your applications in now.

So I think you'll agree there is much to stick around for. Which leads me nicely back to you. For once, I must write something in all seriousness. I must thank you for reading/following/laughing at/cringing at/abusing/retweeting my work in 2009. If it wasn't for you I would have to quit this life and get a proper job. And I think we can both agree that is just not me. So thanks. I owe you a drink. Have a great start to 2010 and I'll catch up with you sometime in the middle of it. Perhaps even tomorrow.

Swanning About

2009-12-14T19:23:00.006Z

I keep meaning to mention Swanning About, but what with being a Gay Icon for the Japanese I have been preoccupied with changing my appearance. Thankfully, I think I have cracked the case by moving my side parting to the other side of my head. I see Swanning About as a website that gives you the latest cricket news in amusing photoshopped formats. So quick are they with the latest news that sometimes I wonder if Cricinfo aren't missing a trick. Well worth a look if you like a mixture of humour and cricket but don't want to pay to watch Derbyshire.

わたしを。日本語。同性愛者のアイコン。うんベイビー！

2009-12-05T22:21:00.011Z

A few weeks ago I was on Japanese radio. You may have heard about it? It was big news in my bedroom. No? Never mind. You didn't miss much, I wasn't on there for very long. It fact it was very un-long. So much so that it enabled me to end the conversation with the genius line, 'That's what I like about the Japanese, you keep everything short.' They didn't laugh. Apparently the Japanese aren't as vertically challenged as the myth suggests. But they did promise to send me some Japanese magazines. They arrived today. I will be in shock until Sunday lunchtime. At least.

Delia Does Classic Christmas Whippet

2009-12-02T17:23:00.007Z

I was quite enjoying Delia's Classic Christmas on BBC Two last night. Or at least I was up until a few minutes before the end. Suddenly, from almost nowhere, she started cooking something very odd indeed. In a matter of seconds, 99% of the population began to think Brussel Sprouts were actually quite an appealing option. Not me though. I've always loved them. I think I just love them even more now.

I am not entirely sure what alarms me more. The fact that Whippets take 18 minutes to cook or the fact that Delia knows they take 18 minutes to cook. Or is it the fact that Whippets are far tastier cool than hot? Or maybe that they go all crunchy?

Where did it all go so wrong Delia? Norwich?

Goodbye Movember

2009-11-30T16:35:00.005Z

They say, 'what you've never had, you never miss'. So I fully expect to wake up on Wednesday, look in the mirror and have a nervous breakdown. Tomorrow is December 1st, 2009, and so I will be picking up my razor and getting rid of the ginger fluff that has been adorning my face for the past 30 days. It wasn't always ginger mind, in fact up until November 8th it was positively dark and moody. Somehow though, it went a bit wrong and for the last 22 days it has been annoying the hell out of me. Turns out that trimming a moustache is a whole lot more frustrating than having a full shave everyday. Still, I suppose in some small way I am happy I have made it to the end. It was an experience and at least my pain and suffering has raised some money for the Prostate Cancer Charity.

So thanks to everyone who has sponsored me (even if it was in dozens of ten pence pieces which caused a hole to form in my wallet) and thanks to those who complimented my progress or just took it as another excuse to abuse me. Let's do it all again next year, yes?

Fresh!

2009-11-29T00:13:00.004Z

The more observant of you may have just noted that this blog looks a bit different. Well, that's because it does. 2010 is around the corner and my Mum is expecting big things from me. And I imagine so are you. So that's why I've had a makeover. To celebrate let's have a watch (and sing-a-long) to this. It very much does to men what Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl did to women. Er...yeah.

God Bless America

2009-11-25T16:10:00.008Z

"I Saw This And Thought Of You Jon"

2009-11-24T00:39:00.001Z

The Appliance of Love

2009-11-19T13:43:00.003Z

One Night. One Hundred Buses.

2009-11-12T14:38:00.007Z

Photo via Djibnet

You may have noticed that I wasn't around much last week. There was speculation that this was because I was having a moustache transplant. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was actually looking at bus timetables and playing with my stopwatch. I can't go into too many details, but next year, probably in April, I will be attempting to catch 100 London buses. In one night. Just to get home. Call me intuitive, but you are probably wondering why? This is the bit I can't tell you just yet. So I would ask you to bear with me for a few weeks. Or just get me very drunk.

Oh. I might need 99 people to help me. Especially ones with Oyster Cards. Yes, I thought that would interest you.

If you are on facebook, you can keep up with it all here.

This Is Me

2009-11-10T17:04:00.002Z

Ten days in and Movember has finally turned ginger. And yes, it did just happen at 3.54pm today. I am so, so tempted to shave it off. Mainly because it makes me look like a tit. But you seem to be amused by it. So far I have been compared to Rufus Hound, Keith Lemon and half the village people. The top half I presume. It's a tough decision.

Is This Me?

2009-11-09T17:12:00.004Z

From 7 Reasons comes this picture. It looks like me. But it isn't me. Anyone know who it is? It has 'book sequel' written all over it.

Edit: In fact, I am so sure this looks like me I am going to post it to my facebook profile and see if anyone picks up on it or not.

Edit 2: It took 42 seconds before someone commented 'This isn't you is it?' #Experimentfail

Introducing Roughneck Vinnie

2009-11-06T14:19:00.002Z

Something rather odd happened to me this morning. I suppose I knew it was coming. I had read about this kind of thing happening to people like me. People who examine their moustache in the reflection of an office window. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. Not that I didn't feel I was ready. I was. I am. It was just...unexpected.

I, Jonathan Lee, was asked to appear in a film. Or at least that is what I assumed I was being asked when the bloke started talking to me about The Hot Potato, "a 'caper' movie in the great British tradition of The Italian Job and The Wrong Arm of the Law". I assumed he was lining me up for the part of Roughneck Vinnie, a gangster living the high life in Fulham, driven by thoughts of revenge over his stolen bicycle. But, as I snapped back to reality from thoughts of red carpets and appearances on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, I realised that the bloke still hadn't mentioned Roughneck Vinnie. He hadn't even mentioned bicycles. In fact he wasn't talking about the plot at all. He was talking about money. And rather than talking about how much he was going to pay me, he seemed to be asking me how much I was prepared to give him. I bet Jason Statham never had to put up with this crap.

After telling me that he would love it if I gave him a few thousand pounds (or "get involved" as he phrased it) the bloke walked away, leaving me very much alone with my thoughts, moustache and an envelope. I opened the envelope to find the above. The Hot Potato cast list. A list, I think we can all agree, I should be on. It's not a bad list. Ray Winstone is on it. He's quite good. As is Michael Clarke Duncan. The thing is all these people aren't really in the cast at all. They are just reading the script. Which, I assume, basically means the script has been posted to their agents. I was more than a little disappointed. I was quite a lot disappointed. I don't want to invest in something that can't guarantee me Ray Winstone. Especially something called The Hot Potato which brings back painful memories of primary school music lessons. Lessons in which we had to pass a tambourine around in a circle and if the music stopped when we held it we had to stand up and make some sort of rhythmical routine. No. If you are going to make such approaches to me on Victoria Street you are going to need a better film name, have Ray Winstone confirmed and signed up (or a photo of Sandra Bullock that I can keep) and guarantee me the safe return of my bicycle. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Thirty Days To Look Like Daniel Day-Lewis

2009-10-30T15:36:00.008Z

My previous post was annoying me. Everytime I logged in I was trying to kiss myself. Lacking the necessary narcissistic qualities, it made me uncomfortable. So I am glad that we all have something else to stare at now. Me. Now, I realise the above moustache doesn't look very realistic. That's because it's fake. This is about to change though. My friend Rachel (who incidentally writes this non-moustache related blog here) decided that I should grow the real thing. I suspect many girls also think the same. So I will. I am going to take part in Movemeber - the now annual moustache growing event in aid of The Prostate Cancer Charity. I dare say I will be updating you with my progress here (unless it goes ginger), but you can also follow the growth of something beautiful on the Movember site. As things stand, I am most inspired by the moustachio works of Daniel Day-Lewis. This is what I am going for. Until I change my mind next Wednesday.

Oh, I also have to find myself a Mo Sista. Apparently I am a Mo Man. I am not entirely sure what a Mo Sista is required to do, but I imagine moral support and stroking are in there somewhere. You can apply below. Thanks.

Ladies Only

2009-10-29T13:45:00.003Z

Create animated gif

This week has been a bit mental. And surreal. As a result, I have yet again been lax when it comes to updating this blog. I feel especially bad since I promised there would be things to read on here yesterday. There weren't and you rightly complained. I don't break promises twice in two days though and so I am living up to the promise I made yesterday.

To be honest, I don't have to know whether you join in or not. Some things are best left not said. On the other hand I am available if you require personal tuition. X

Make Time. Read Blog.

2009-10-26T12:13:00.010Z

I once did something very silly. I told someone to start a blog. Now, I admit that the silliness of this move may not be immediately apparent, so let me explain. There is only so much time left in the world. I don't know how much time exactly - my Cub Scouts handbook was particularly vague on this subject - but I imagine it to be somewhere between 16 hours and 2 million years. As a result we only have so much time to do things. Like brush our teeth. Ignore 'reality' television. And read blogs. This blog. By recommending someone else starts a blog gives them a piece of the world's time; and thus gives you less time to read my blog. Sorry about that. It was a badly thought out move. The good news is, though, that I have learnt from that mistake. I won't be telling anyone else to start a blog.

So when Marc asked me whether I would like to collaborate with him on a new blog, I naturally said 'No'. The problem was that Marc was not in earshot and so all he got was an email saying 'Yes'. Taking things at face-value, Marc decided I really meant 'Yes'. As a result we have created 7 Reasons. A bit like Ronseal, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Makes the dull shiny. Everyday we'll be taking a look at topical topics or random randomness and giving you seven reasons, erm, why. For example, 7 Reasons Why France Like Their Onions. Basically, think of it as a self-help guide.

And it all starts over here. Tomorrow. Just remember that this is your first love, okay? Thanks.

Psychatric Answering Machine Typography Animation

2009-10-20T15:40:00.002+01:00

Anyone Need A Copywriter?

2009-10-16T17:00:00.005+01:00

One thing you may not know about me is that I mucked around in advertising for a few years. (Another is that my lamp could do with a light dusting). I am sure you have worked this out for yourself, but, when creating an advert, the best thing you can do is emphasize the service or product's Unique Selling Point. Sadly, I never had the opportunity to write the words on an ad for a cricket academy, but if I had I would have almost certainly focused on the location or the coaching or the fact that you share a changing room with the netball squad. What I wouldn't have done...is this.

Epic fail. They even missed out an apostrophe and the word the.

Incidentally, I went to a cricket academy in Perth. The ACE Academy. They advertise themselves as, 'The World's Finest Cricket Academy'. It worked for me.

Yesteryear Went Too Soon

2009-10-14T20:30:00.001+01:00

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

I often find myself hankering back to the good old times. The times before iPods and pyramid-shaped tea-bags and hoverboards. Even though I wasn't there, it just seems to have been so much more simple. The only thing simple about the world today is Jordan. Yes, in some ways it's better, my electric razor gives me an extra five minutes in bed and to get milk for my tea I just have to open the fridge instead of finding a roaming cow. But in other ways, life today is a pain in the backside. I have a DAB radio that only gives me a crisp, clear signal if I don't sit on the sofa. I have a wi-fi connection that seemingly wanders off to Hammersmith whenever it bloody well feels like it and I have a state of the art lamp that is about as bright as Max Clifford's client list. Technology. Who needs it?

Well I do. Because it allows me to dream about an easier time. There isn't much worth watching on TV, but when I do find myself sitting on the sofa - simultaneously laughing at my DAB radio - it is invariably because I am about to watch something based in the yesteryear. Whether it's the 1940's Belgian Resistance series, Secret Army, or the 1960's advertising drama, Mad Men, I love it. I love the clothes, the unfiltered cigarettes, the cars and the dodgy accents. Most of all I love the fact that conversations last longer than thirty seconds before someone picks up their iPhone to check their twitter account. I long to experience this life for myself, but as I can't I am thankful to those who never let us forget that once upon a time people liked spam and women wore suspenders and Gordon Brown wasn't our Prime Minister and a blackberry was something you ate.

As a result, I get quite excited when I see some new film or drama coming up that features outrageous sideburns. Recently I was excited at the prospect of the Damned Utd and only last week found myself excited and then highly pleasured by the BBC's Micro Men - the battle between Clive Sinclair and Chris Curry for the 1980's computer market. (It's on the BBC iPlayer until 18th October if you haven't seen it). Now I find myself excited by the prospect of Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Chips. It's a one-off 90-minute prequel to Only Fools and Horses. But there is a problem. I love Only Fools and Horses. Really love it. What I did not like was the spin-off, The Green Green Grass. That was bad. Bad, bad, bad. So bad, that I swore I would never watch any subsequent Only Fools and Horses related spin-off or sequel ever again. I didn't want to see something I love tarnished anymore. So of course what does John Sullivan do? He writes a prequel that is set in the 1960's. Genius is not the word. He is causing me great distress. I either watch it whilst hiding behind a cushion preparing to cringe or I ignore it and in doing so ignore two of my loves. (Three if you include Nicholas Lyndhurst). I really don't know what to do.

So, I think you'll agree when I say that this proves beyond doubt that living in the modern world is a nightmare and the sooner we ignore global warming and invest in a Time Machine the better. Ideally one you don't have to plug in.

But Its Never Got Better Than This

2009-10-14T01:30:00.007+01:00

I'm Getting Better (Slowly)

2009-10-14T01:21:00.000+01:00

Everything Is Brilliant. (Apart From The Ginger Head Jerks).

2009-10-09T14:11:00.010+01:00

I don't know if you have ever been ambushed on the way out of Waterstones before, but if you haven't, let me tell you now, it's an odd feeling. Outside Sainsburys, fair enough, but Waterstones? It just shouldn't happen. I had just been in to see Andrew Strauss - he called me dude - when a man attacked me from the right. Being slightly cynical of anyone who attacks me on the street, my natural reaction was that this man was a chugger. But as I tried to walk away, he followed me. Assuming he was trying to ask me what hair product I used, I turned towards him. He then said something about 'press' and 'quick interview'. My ears pricked up. The above video is the result.

The bizarre thing is that it lasts only 20 seconds. While it was happening I could have sworn it was lasting a lifetime. I could also have sworn I said 'brilliant' every other word instead of just twice, and finally, I was pretty sure I spent most of my time looking away from the camera. I am more than happy to see that I was just being paranoid. Mostly. Unfortunately, it's not all good news. In years to come I will be haunted by two things. My strange jaw movements and sudden head jerking is one. My gingerness is the other. The first I can probably work on, the second needs some serious man management. As a result, I have decided to start shaving every hour for the rest of my life and not letting my hair grown longer than 10mm. (That's the hair on my head obviously - the hair on my chin doesn't grow one centimetre every hour. That would be ridiculous).

And two things about what I actually said. When I said Andrew Strauss wasn't a natural leader, I actually meant natural captain. There is a major difference. Sorry about that dude. And when I said egos, that wasn't a cheap shot at KP. I was, rather inarticulately I admit, trying to suggest that to be a captain, you have to understand what makes everyone tick and not just expect them to go your way - 'The KP Way' as it was when he was capitano. Something the dude Straussy seems to have done very well. I should probably have just said that, shouldn't I?

Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number Seven

2009-10-05T22:49:00.006+01:00

"You are like an oven. When I turn you on, you get hot."

Discovered: Sunday 5th October 2009

Location: Twitter

Circumstances: Brian McIntosh sharing his best chat-up lines with the world.

Excuse(s): There aren't any.

Consequence(s): 1 - Mirth all round. 2 - Much ridicule. 3 - Posted on a popular blog.

Positive(s): None for Brian. Constant source of laughter for everyone else.

Action to take next time: Don't talk to girls.

NB: Please see this post and comments for the first six things you should never say to a woman.

Epic Branding Fail

2009-10-05T13:38:00.002+01:00

Sarah Of Canterbury Takes Photographs

2009-10-01T13:24:00.006+01:00

Being a Sussex boy, I find it very difficult to applaud anyone or anything that comes out of Kent. So when I do, it's fair to say that I must really love this anyone or anything. Today it's an anyone. By my own admission, I am one of the world's worst photographers. I try, but I just can't do it. Maybe it's the lack of a tripod or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Who knows? It means, though, that I have a huge admiration for anyone who has this talent. Anyone who has the ability to capture a moment that tells a story and provokes some kind of emotion. One such person is Sarah Canterbury. I like her because she takes photos of Ricky Ponting getting bowled, but I also like her because she just seems to be damn good at what she does. Whenever she uploads a new photo I am almost certainly going to think 'wow' or 'I wish I could do that' or 'why has she taken another photo of a cricketer's backside?' (I think this must be a personal project of hers). So if you like photography, or cricketers bending down, I suggest you check out her website. Especially so you can see the photos above in their full glory.

Sim Rugby

2009-09-30T13:26:00.003+01:00

I like rugby. I like sim cards. I often wondered what would happen when you put them together. Now I know. It's all about the giraffe.

Pack Your iPod Gordon, You're Moving On Out

2009-09-29T16:24:00.008+01:00

Whoever switched Gordon Brown's iPod to shuffle mode needs to be shot. There it was, backstage, all set up and ready to play The Beatles' I Am The Walrus at the end of the Prime Minister's Labour Conference speech, when someone came along and fiddled with it. If I was Gordon Brown and someone came along and fiddled with my iPod I would be furious. (Though that may have more to do with the fact that I had just discovered I was Gordon Brown than anything else). But I digress. I know someone fiddled with Gordon Brown's iPod because who, in their right mind, would play Moving On Up by M People as they walked off the stage having just tried - and failed - to save their job? Anyone with ears - and Gordon Brown has two - knows that the lyrics to that song start with the following:

You've done me wrong, Your time is up, You took a sip, From the devil's cup.

If the first two lines aren't enough to convince you that it's a bad choice of song, it goes on to reference Peter Mandelson. You just wouldn't play this song if you had a full deck. It's incredibly poor planning from Brown. Where was his iPod security guard? If you fail to prepare Gordon, you prepare to fail. You failed.

You just watch David Cameron next week. He won't make such a schoolboy error (and nor should he being an Eton boy). I guarantee he'll have planned for such an eventuality. He'll have gone out, bought a new iPod, wiped the sample songs and then uploaded his one song. The one song he wants, as he stands on that stage, taking the applause and cutting some shapes. Effiel 65's Blue.

The Truth Never Hurts

2009-09-29T12:00:00.002+01:00

Things You Should Never Say To A Woman - Number One

2009-09-27T01:03:00.004+01:00

"Wow. You've got evil eyes!"

Discovered: Friday 26th September 2009

Location: The Bedford, Balham

Circumstances: Girl standing next to me was staring into my brain.

Excuse(s): 1- Not sober. 2 - It was true.

Consequence(s): 1 - Verbal abuse. 2 - Harmed Anglo-Cuban relations. 3 - Forced to down some alcoholic concoction that contained Sambuca and Absinthe.

Positive(s): 1 - Free Drink.

Action to take next time: Advise her to invest in a pair of large sunglasses.

Warning: Sydney Is Also A Girl's Name.

2009-09-23T18:30:00.006+01:00

Today, much to my embarrassment, I visited what can only be described as a pornographic website. I know this because, although I didn't stay on the page for long, I caught glimpse of the title, 'Hot, Wet & Willing', and a lady with none too many clothes on. She also had a sponge. To be fair to the lady, she was taking the sensible course of action. If you are hot, taking your top off has to be a good idea. Sponging yourself down with a soapy sponge is also to be applauded. But not when you are being snapped for a website that I am going to click on in an internet cafe.

I have never experienced such a scenario before. Having the internet at home (and a door), means that I never find the need to go to an internet cafe. But today was different. I needed to check my emails. I am expecting something very important. Sadly, upon opening my inbox, the very important something I am expecting wasn't there. With ten minutes still to use of my paid-for internet time, I headed over to my twitter account. I am sure you are aware that last night a dust storm hit Sydney. There are some great pictures out there. All orangey in colour. This is really when twitter comes into its own. It allows me (and you) to look at what people in Sydney are saying and allows us to look at their photos. That is exactly what I wanted to to. A simple click of the button lets me see all the Sydney-siders, many of them were linking to their photos. I clicked on a few. They were good. Then I clicked on another one. This is when I saw, 'Hot, Wet & Willing'. Some very clever person had written, '#Sydney. Look at my pics. (weblink)'. I was always going to click wasn't I?

I sat there for a few seconds, terrified of looking around. Had anyone seen me? I could feel the blood rushing to my face and a trickle of sweat running down my arm. Maybe if I just sat here for an hour, everyone would leave? I tried to pretend that nothing had happened. I revisited my email. Then read the BBC website. Five minutes passed. I was going to have to move in thirty seconds. I took a few deep breaths, stood up and, with my head bowed, moved towards the door. Suddenly I heard an excited female voice, "Jonathan Lee!" My heart leapt. I spun around. There, standing in front of me, was my old English teacher. "I thought it was you," she said, "I was looking at you from over here trying to work out whether it was you or not! How are you?"

"I'm really sorry, do I know you?"

"It's Mrs. Tovey. Your English teacher."

I shook my head.

"You are Jonathan Lee aren't you?"

"No. Sorry. You must have the wrong person. My name's...Dusty."

Johnny Jolly Watch: Week 2 v Cincinnati Bengals

2009-09-23T18:16:00.003+01:00

Bit of a shocker from Mr Jolly this week I am afraid. The Jolly made four tackles (one - a solo effort) during the game, but his most telling contribution came in the second quarter when he collided with his teammate, Nick Collins. Collins suffered a clavicle sprain in the incident and had to leave the game. Oh, and the Green Bay Packers lost. I'm hoping for better from The Jolly in Week Three. Hike!

This Is Lego Culture

2009-09-18T13:40:00.006+01:00

If you have been following my life for the last week or so, you will know that I have been playing with Lego. A lot of it. And I've been having fun with it. Well, yesterday, I posted the iconic, 'American Sailor Kissing Girlfriend In The Street,' photo. I believe that's the official name. Next to it is a photo of two Lego characters parodying it. I think it's a fine effort. Anyway, my friend Sarah posted a few links in the comments section and it got me thinking. A lot of people - way beyond the suggested age range - still play around with Lego. They make movies. They replicate famous images. They place massive Lego Men on Dutch beaches. The amount of Lego-inspired creativity out there is staggering. So I have decided to try and collaborate it all in one place. Here - This Is Lego Culture. Enjoy.

EDIT: 26th October 2009 - Yeah, that lasted a long time. Far too busy to dedicate time to it unfortunately. Sorry. Good news is that the blogspot address, 'This Is Lego Culture' is now up for grabs. Go team, go!

"Lego of me!" she said.

2009-09-17T12:54:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Marc Fearns for the post title.

Johnny Jolly Watch

2009-09-14T15:32:00.009+01:00

This is Johnny Jolly (no.97). He's a big lad. I discovered Mr Jolly whilst watching the NFL last night. He plays for the Green Bay Packers and had a half decent game - or at least he did until I fell asleep. (When I woke up England were getting thrashed by Australia in a ODI last week). Anyway, I was intrigued by Johnny Jolly. His first name - Johnny - is very much like Jonny, which some people call me on account of my name being Jonathan. His surname - Jolly - is the first word of my blog title. It stands to reason then that if I am to be intrigued by any Defensive End it is Johnny Jolly.

So, introductions out of the way, let me present Johnny Jolly Watch. Throughout the NFL season Jolly Interesting Stuff will be keeping an eye on Mr Jolly's work. And his tattoos. And the seemingly ongoing investigation into his arrest for possession of codeine. 200g of it. Sources reveal that Police are awaiting a new measuring device that will be able to determine exactly how much codeine Mr Jolly had about his person. Apparently a ruler just doesn't get the job done. So, I think you'll agree, this is going to be a fascinating 17 weeks.

What Derren Didn't Show

2009-09-12T10:37:00.006+01:00

There was missing footage from last night's 'How To Predict The Lottery' with Derren Brown. And it's a shame. There is, out there, somewhere, a film of Derren Brown on an open top bus supposedly shot on Oxford Street last Christmas. (The Christmas lights and tinsel decorations suggest it probably was genuine footage. And the children had the un-fake-able look of being truly excited about the ever-nearing prospect of a visit from Santa Claus. You just would not look that excited in August. Probably). In the film Derren begins to walk down the bus aisle until he is flanked by six children. He then raises each child's hands skywards to reveal they are holding a lottery ball. What was on them? The numbers from Wednesday's lottery of course. This footage was shown to the studio audience during his explanation of the third method - 'Fix The Machine' - but was cut from the show that went out on Channel 4.

As I say, I believe this footage is genuine - Derren blogged about himself being on a bus last November, saying "Currently in the middle of filming on an open top bus around Oxford St under the Christmas lights (not pictured). Tried something I hope will pay off in a year or so. Could be quite exciting". Whether the numbers on the balls are genuine, however, I just don't know. Tricks of the camera and all that. But that's irrelevant. What I want to know is why it wasn't shown? This would have made the show brilliant instead of the anti-climax I felt it was. The natural assumption is that Derren and/or Channel 4 'lost their nerve', which of course makes you think he actually rigged the result. And no one is going to convince me that that is not seriously cool thing to believe. Or maybe they genuinely lost their nerve because he had rigged the lottery and showing the footage wouldn't have done him any favours if it resulted in an investigation. Or maybe it wasn't shown because he wanted those from the studio audience, who actually saw this footage, to write about it and keep the Derren Brown mystery rolling. He's good like that.

I hope the footage is shown at some stage though. Not just for my sake, or yours, but for Derren's. He looks a little bit stupid holding up a snowflake at the end of this trailer now. A snowflake that surely points to the footage shot under the Christmas lights. Or, as everyone else seems to believe, it just points to the frozen screen theory. (Which may have happened. Too).

NB: The above photo is from a blog post Derren made on 12th August 2009.

Because You're Worth It

2009-09-11T15:25:00.001+01:00

I'm Confused

2009-09-09T23:36:00.003+01:00

The Lotto numbers as correctly 'predicted' by Derren Brown were 2, 11, 23, 28, 25 & 39. The bonus was 15. As you will see, I correctly predicted three numbers and the bonus ball. On five lines. I don't know how the hell he did it, but I need to find out because the system I used - known as guessing - is flawed.

nworB nerreD yB dellortnoC

2009-09-09T15:53:00.007+01:00

Derren Brown on Vimeo.

I know Derren Brown is controlling me. He is the reason I had a Cornish Pasty for lunch and not for dinner. He is the reason I am writing this instead of doing something slightly more important. He is also the reason I have spent all day trying to analyse the above trailer. Now, if you don't want to dabble with the power of the mind and end up like me, don't read on.

I have no idea whether there are clues in this trailer or whether I am being made to look stupid. But I have no qualms if the latter is true. (I performed the Riverdance in a pub on Saturday night for goodness sake). Over the next for weeks Derren Brown is back on our TV screens with a series of shows called, 'The Events'. Tonight's (9th September 2009) sees him predict the National Lottery. He's going to try and get 5 of the 6 numbers correct. Now, I have no idea whether he is genuinely going to predict the Lotto numbers or whether it is something obscure, like predicting the number of winners having already subconsciously seeped the winning numbers into our minds via the trailer. I don't care, I am going to have to watch it. Because it's what he's telling me to do.

What I do know having watched the trailer 751 times is this. A bus goes along behind him with the words 'It Will Be You' and a red 'thumbs-up' Lottery logo on the T-side. When Derren reaches the middle of the road there are five numbers stuck to the traffic light post. 6, 25 and 47 are clearly visible. The other two look like 10 and 22. Though it could be 32 or it could be just 2. Then, just before Derren gets squashed by the lorry, there is a number 21 bus. So are the numbers 6, 10, 21, 22, 25 & 47? Well, they better be. Otherwise my new tattoo is going to look very stupid.

There are a few other things going on. A silver Corsa 'reverses' down the far side of the road. All the people are in 'reverse', except one woman on the far pavement - who walks in 'reverse' until Derren reaches the middle of the road and then can be seen walking forwards near the end of the trailer. There are also ads to retsehcnamdetinu.com and stucktomysofa.com. Both holding pages that link to his Channel 4 site. And finally the truck has the name 'Red & Black'. All clues about the forthcoming Events or just Brown making me go mad?

I think you'll agree that it's all very interesting though. And now you've read this you will watch it. You WILL watch it. I may be back tomorrow or if I am still being controlled by the Brownster, as I feel the sudden urge to call him, I may be involved in a Casino heist. So watch the news.

The Wordle According To @mrjonathanlee

2009-09-05T16:43:00.003+01:00

This is my wordle. If you don't follow me on twitter, you can catch up now by examining some of the words I regularly use. The bigger they appear, the more often I type them. Exciting, huh? (If you can spot your name you win a prize by the way).

Cool Guys (eg: me) Don't Look At Explosions

2009-09-04T16:10:00.006+01:00

So true. I, myself, regularly shake up cans of beer and walk out of the room - in slow motion - just as friends begin to open them. But then again, I look cool standing in the queue at the post office. I guess some of us have it, the rest of you fake it.

That's The Album Cover Done

2009-09-03T15:35:00.003+01:00

The Night The Fakeon Died

2009-08-28T21:20:00.001+01:00

It was compelling. It was absorbing. It was gripping. And that made it brilliant.

Discounting anything sports related or anything from The Beach Boys back catalogue, it was quite possibly the best thing I have ever heard. I am of course not talking about Richard Bacon's stand-up show. That in itself was something of a disaster. I'm referring to everything that surrounded it. The concept. The build-up. The post-show reaction. This was Bacon at his best. Almost unmissable radio. You could hear his fear as he waited backstage, just seconds from his big moment. Goodness knows how he held it together to continue broadcasting his radio show. I remember being petrified waiting to take my French Oral exam. I would never have been able to present a radio show at that moment. And I am really good at talking into a microphone. But to give Bacon his dues, he did it. And then he did his routine.

My goodness it was bad. It was like listening to someone dig a grave with spoon. He wasn't going anywhere good or fast, yet he kept going. And going. And going. As a general rule, I don't laugh at something if I don't think it's funny. I didn't laugh much last night. If at all. It's hard to know whether the Bacon died due to the constraints of having to perform on the radio or whether he was just out of his depth. It doesn't really matter though. The bare facts show it wasn't great. And that's heart-wrenching.

I mean, it seems really unfair that in years to come this will be looked upon in the same way as we look at 19 Keys or the day Richard met Barack Obama's barber. But that is sadly what will happen. Uploaded to YouTube will be 13 minutes of pure cringe. The comments will fly in, 'WTF is this??!!', 'OMG this guy died ha ha ha', 'I wonder what this guy is doing now?!', 'This is brilliant!'. The latter from a Mr D Wallace.

Of course this has a massive impact on me. As I said in my last post, Bacon's performance would make me look good. Or bad. I can already imagine the conversation with my wife, "Jon darling, is it true that you used to parody this guy?", "Yes Jordan, that's right.", "You really are a very strange man. I don't think I want you to father our child." The thing is, my soon to be former-wife - and all others who look at the performance in isolation - will miss the bigger picture. They won't see the five hours of brilliant radio that surrounded it. Plus the blogs and the newspaper previews and the TV interviews and Bacon's twitterings. They all helped make it what it was. Enthralling.

Richard Bacon is lucky. He experiences this all the time. The reason he was fired from Blue Peter always obscures the fact that he was the 23rd best presenter of the show. And that's really unfair. On John Leslie. So Richard knows how to handle misinformed criticism. But what about me? I haven't got that experience. I am going to look stupid saying, "You really had to be there." No one wanted to be there. Not even Bacon.

So I need to think carefully about what I am going to do now. For the next week or two people will be aware that there was a bigger picture. They can listen to it on the BBC iPlayer. But when that's gone and we are left with just the video evidence, Richard Fakeon may have to be locked away. Which is probably a good place for him. The novelty of that name has quickly worn off and now I cringe more when I hear it than I would watching the Richard Bacon Final Farewell Tour DVD.

But it's all good. Because I don't think Richard Bacon needs me now. I made him look good for a few months, but over the last two nights he has made himself look good. So I think my work here might be done. Tremendous.

In Bacon I Trust

2009-08-26T08:55:00.014+01:00

I'll be honest with you. I'm a bit nervous. No, I'll rephrase that. I'm terrified.

Tomorrow night my livelihood is at stake. On Thursday August 27th 2009, at about 11.10pm, I will find out whether I have a future or not. Whether I can walk up the road with my head held high or whether I will need to buy some giant sunglasses and start wearing my baseball cap in the way it was originally intended.

The worst thing about this event, is that my fate is not in my hands. It has been firmly placed in the hands of 5Live presenter Richard Bacon. It's not a place I am comfortable being. And sadly, a stage, in front of an expectant audience, is not a place I am comfortable with Richard Bacon being either. Let me explain, without any consultation with me at all, my most successful spoofee ever, has decided to perform stand-up comedy. That's right. Stand-up comedy! At the Edinburgh Fringe. What utter, utter madness.

I wouldn't mind if I wasn't so reliant on him being brilliant day-in, day-out. But I am. In the last couple of weeks, for example, I've suffered the repercussions of his radio interview with the Duchess of York. Emails such as, "...this buffoon should not be allowed to broadcast on hospital radio, he is the pits..." have arrived in their half-dozen. Yes, when someone decides they don't like Richard Bacon's work, they send ME emails. ME! I cop the abuse too! The fact that the interview wasn't anything to do with me, makes no difference to some people. Because I think Richard Bacon is a talented broadcaster - and find him ridiculously easy to parody - people feel compelled to abuse me if they disagree. This is of course due to that bizarre human trait some people have - the need to voice their disgust at something they do not agree with/like/understand. (Something that could easily form a post of it's own. And one I may tackle in due course).

But back to the point. As I say, I think Richard Bacon is a talented broadcaster. What I doubt he is, is a talented stand-up. I base this purely on hunch of course, and I hope he proves me wrong. But I am bracing my email inbox for one almighty backlash. I think he's amusing in a drunk uncle kind of way you see, but rarely does the drunk uncle way lend itself successfully to the world of stand-up. If he does pull it off though, well, then my career will go from strength to strength. I could find myself parodying a B-lister instead of the C-lister Richard surely considers himself now.

But what if he fails? What if he's heckled? What if he falls on his sword? That will be the end of me. My reputation will be shot to pieces. Who wants to know someone who parodies wannabes? The abuse will come in droves. But this time it won't just be abuse because I am associated with the failures of Richard, it'll be abuse because I parody a male Kerry Katona. I'll start getting more Dickensian prose like this, "...you sad, pathetic ****. bacon is a smug, talentless **** and you waste time in your life doing this ******* tripe. you **** ******* *******". My fragile heart can't handle that again. It'll break me.

So, for the love of Bacon, please don't cock it up Richard. If you don't get out alive, neither do I.

Show Me The Money: The Response

2009-08-25T18:13:00.002+01:00

If you were here last week you may have read about the man who was - rather cleverly in my opinion - invoicing companies for the time he spent interacting with their brand. You can read the original post here. I - rather cleverly in many people's opinion - decided to send a counter invoice. The other day he replied. Though sadly he did not include a cheque. Amongst other things he said:

Your 85% discount is the sign of a true gentleman and it's much appreciated. I do of course have no other option but to pass this cost on to the companies who I'm still awaiting payment from, as the 167 minutes you spent is ultimately because of them.

He has added my letter and invoice to his #sixweeks website, so if you want to read it you can click here. I'm not taking it any further. Malawi calls.

I Sit, I Wonder Why-yi-yi-yi

2009-08-25T12:35:00.004+01:00

Today's rather bizarre email comes from timerepentance@yahoo.com. Such a good email address that it managed to get passed my spam filter and into my inbox. I actually have no idea what to make of it. Usually I am asked for bank details and addresses and my date of birth. This asks for none of that though. They even spelt my name correctly. So is this Julia John on a revenge mission or is it actually genuine?

What should I do? What should I say? What will they say, Monday at school? (Sorry. I had an urge to quote John Travolta there. I am not really going to school on Monday. If I did I would probably get arrested).

Dear Jonathan,

RE: REQUESTING FOR ASSISTANCE

I would like to ask for the above mentioned subject. I am Pastor Albert Mpende Founder of Time Of Repenting and Deliverance Ministry (TIRDEM).

On 24th Night of August, 2009 I had dreams where I head a voice from some-one who mentioned about your name and what you are doing on earth.

The 25th day of August, 2009 I logged in on the website where I got your name and what you are doing. I have learnt everything on what you are doing, that’s why I am interested to work with you.

Briefly time of repenting is a local faith based registered non-governmental organization operating in Malawi especially in the following areas:

● Encourage Christians to trust in God

● Assist People to repent and be delivered.

● Take care of orphaned children

● Assist vulnerable (especially widows, aged) and counsel for HIV AIDS affected and infected people.

I would like to therefore ask you in the name of Jesus if you can accept to work with us and support us in either ways.

There is a lot that we can share with you that is happening in Malawi and we can also send you a DVD of some of the achievements that we have managed.

I am wishing you a long life and blessed days.

Yours faithfully,

Pastor Albert Mpende.

This Is Love

2009-08-24T12:46:00.007+01:00

It is hard to explain how utterly delicious, how utterly contented, how utterly at peace I feel. I would love to be able to bottle this feeling. To be able to go back to it whenever I felt the need. But this is sport. And so to experience incredible highs you must experience incredible lows. To bottle the feelings of today I would have to bottle those I felt after Adelaide in '06. And I never want to feel like that again. But I almost certainly will. And we will. Which is why today, tomorrow, this week, you will see millions of us cherishing the moment. And millions of us will be basking in the glow of Andrew Strauss' smile. It's a beautiful place to be.

Sixty Seconds with the England Cricket Team

2009-08-23T21:38:00.007+01:00

Have I caught you at a good time? Sure. We're just watching a Mark Ramprakash batting masterclass.

So what's your usual Sunday routine? Beating the Aussies. Winning the Ashes. Having a beer. In the ice bath.

Five years ago did you think you'd be where you are now? Yes. Well, all of us except Ravi Bop.

Where will you be in five years? Some of us will have retired. Some of us will have just beaten Pakistan by six wickets. Ian Bell will be trying to nail that number three spot.

What's your motto in life? Scare the living daylights out of England supporters the world over. Then win.

I have 24 hours in your hometown. What should I do? Our home town is England. You should go to every County Cricket ground and buy a scorecard for 50p. At the interval you should run onto the field and get your scorecard signed by someone who will be working in accountancy in three years. Or even better, one of the players.

You've got thirty minutes in the kitchen. What are you going to knock up? We're not. We have a Cook.

You've just won £10 on the lottery. Spend or save? We'll put it towards paying for the repairs to the replica Urn Freddie just sat on.

What can't your friends/family understand about you? How we always get green stains on our whites even though we haven't dived around in the field.

What are you currently obsessed with? MBEs, OBEs, Knighthoods, Open Top Buses, Ruth Strauss.

What should we all be doing more of? Talking to Aggers, Nasser and Athers.

And finally, when you go to bed tonight, are you looking forward to Monday morning? Bed?

NB: Most of these questions were asked when they were inebriated.

You've Hit Me Over 50,000 Times

2009-08-19T19:08:00.000+01:00

Show Me The Money

2009-08-19T18:04:00.008+01:00

I have to hand it to this bloke. He's clever. He's charging businesses for his time basically. His premise is that by interacting with businesses he is making them look popular. It's a bit more complicated than that, but he has a whole website dedicated to it so there is little point in me repeating it all. Just take my word for it. Anyway, he has had some success. Pret A Manger have paid him. Yes, he is clever. But is he really clever? I intend to find out. So this afternoon I wrote to him. And I invoiced him. (You'll have to click on the images to read them).

Yes, I am well aware that there is an unnecessary 'with' in the third paragraph. I have little time to correct this now though as I am busy with importance.

The Dark Side To Jonathan Lee

2009-08-18T17:19:00.004+01:00

I'm busy. That's why I haven't been around. But here is a photo I took for you recently. I like to show my rebellious side from time to time. I'm not all about tea and cake you know.

I'll be back soon, but in the meantime talk amongst yourselves. You never know what might happen.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

2009-08-07T11:09:00.004+01:00

Another week, another piece of propaganda (via the large owl). I have no idea what the large owl is actually about. But I don't think the owl does either.

Oh, and mine is her on the right. Obviously. I wonder what she has in her bucket?

Help! We Are Under Attack

2009-08-06T15:42:00.003+01:00

As I write this something terrible is happening. Twitter is under attack. Yes, you did read that correctly. Twitter is under attack. To be honest that doesn't even begin to tell the severity of the situation. The sad truth is that Twitter is actually down. It's been knocked off it's feet. It is lying on the floor in a crippled state. It's dying. The cause of this outage is a 'Denial-Of-Service' attack. I had no idea what that was so I looked it up. Sadly, I still don't know what it is. But it's pretty average. Maybe even bad.

The only reason I was made aware of this is because I was sent a text by someone asking me if Twitter was down. (I won't tell you who it was, but she says hello). Now, I know what you are thinking, 'Can I have your phone number too?'. Yes, of course you can. Now, I strongly suspect that she texted me because I know what to do in such circumstances. I have a reputation for being calm under pressure and for having a very creative imagination. It didn't take me long to think up the answer.

Make the world a better place

There are a couple of things that are annoying us at the moment. Swine Flu and the recession. Let's be honest there is no correlation between Swine Flu and Twitter. There is, however, certainly a correlation between this recession and Twitter. As a planet, our productivity is shocking. 75% of our working day is spent on social networking sites, 20% is spent at lunch and only 5% is spent doing what we should be doing. (Statistics according to jollyinterestingstuff). So lets have a real crack at it today. I see this as a massive opportunity for the world. Lets up our productivity. Let's lift ourselves out of the recession. Without our usual distractions we really can do it.

Ah, it's 5pm in the UK. We're going home. People of the Americas, both North and South. It's over to you. Make Britain Proud.

Edit: 17:16(BST)- Bugger. It took me so long to write this that Twitter is back. Oh well, at least I can link to it now.

Jonathan Lee Googled

2009-08-04T07:45:00.001+01:00

It's amazing what you find when you type Jonathan Lee into Google Images. I do believe this is the same person at the various stages of their life.

Float Like A Butterfly. Sting Like a Bee. Serve Like Roddick. Win Tennis On The Wii.

2009-08-03T12:46:00.001+01:00

I have been challenged to a Wii Tennis Match. A huge mistake on his part. He might be sponsored by Irn Bru, but my serve is bigger than A-Rod's. No contest.

Cuttings From A Non-Fiction Manuscript

2009-08-01T21:28:00.003+01:00

One day this August - quite possibly a Wednesday - I will finish writing my book. It's been an arduous process. One that has been a whole lot harder than I had anticipated. I must be on my thirtieth version by now. I don't really know. I have both stopped counting and stopped caring. In truth the thing has been written for a while. The last few months have been spent editing it. Chapters have been chopped, merged, updated and vapourised.

The result is that I have 54,000 words worth of creative genius that will not make the final cut. I don't really know what to do with them. eBay seems the best option. Before I go down that route though, I thought I'd post some of it here. Starting with this little gem. I'm not going to tell you the context. Just take it as it is. If you can.

"Needless to say, in the days that passed since acknowledging there could well be a nemesis out there attempting to thwart me in my quest, I spent much of my time on my toes. I took time to look down alleyways and stared at those who were under 4ft tall to see if they were concealing an ice-beam. I couldn't honestly say there had been too many. A lot of children with calippo ice lollies, but none who looked like they'd be willing to do anything with their coloured ice-beam other than lick it.

The sheer fact that I couldn't help but perform a double-take whenever I saw someone who I felt was unusually short was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I know it sounds stupid to say it, but if someone tells you that there is a midget with an ice-beam out there trying to kill you, you can't just shrug your shoulders and forget about it. If you see someone who looks like that you immediately start thinking. Worrying even. That is a fact. I'm not short-ist and I am certainly not ice-beam-ist, so please don't go judging me. It is just a natural reaction. If I tell you that there is a guy out there who has one arm shorter than the other, is carrying a blue box and is stalking you, well, I guarantee you that if you see someone matching that description you will think back to this and wonder. That doesn't make you arm-ist nor does it make you blue box-ist. It's just a natural reaction. You're not going to thank me for saying this. You'll be hoping that you will soon forget about it which is exactly the same way I felt about midgets carrying ice-beams. Annoyingly though as soon as I tried to forget about them I automatically thought of them. I'm thinking about them right now. It's a vicious circle really. One I think I could need professional help trying to crack."

I think extraordinary is the only word to describe that. That, and appallingly written. I've written better text messages. Drunk.

The Adventures Of The New Tintin

2009-07-29T11:46:00.002+01:00

I like my friends. Especially the ones that send me things. (That is a hint right there for you). This morning my journalist/cartoonist friend Emily sent me something she had been working on since last September. I can only assume the reason it took so long is because she moved to Sydney last October and has since been fighting off surfer boys who keep calling her Sheila and offering her Milo. If you want to find out more about Emily then I strongly suggest you check back here on Sunday.

A Monday Afternoon Post

2009-07-27T17:10:00.010+01:00

Yes, sorry, I've been away. That's why there was no Sixty Seconds with.../The Sunday Sixty with.../Move Out Of The Way Jonathan, I'm... yesterday. It might be back on August 2nd. Then again it might not. I know that sounds like I have adopted a French attitude towards it - laissez-faire - but c'est le vie as the Senegalese say. So I hope you had something else to read yesterday. I certainly did. My Mum had saved me every Ashes related newspaper article since 1973. That's why Mums go to Iceland are great.

NB: Incidentally, I would really like to meet some Mums who go to Iceland. I have a great idea for a LIVINGtv documentary that will air in circa-March 2010. Know any Mums? Let me know.

And The Cow Jumped Over The Moon

2009-07-21T15:39:00.004+01:00

Forty years ago we put man on the moon. I use the word 'we' in the loosest possible term. I personally had very little to do with it, not being born and all that. I like to think however, that – had I graced the planet – I would have stowed away on Apollo 11, nipped out before Buzz Aldrin could say, 'After you Neil,' and planted the Union Jack in a moon dune. British ingenuity etc etc.

But that's another story. This story is more black and white. Call me a fantasist if you wish, but if we can put man on the moon then why the hell can we not get a bloody cow to move off a train line? In the list of things mankind should be doing did we just miss that one off? Surely it should have fallen somewhere between 'Invent telephone' and 'Equality for members of the opposite sexual gender to men (ie: women)'.* So what happened? Did the fire alarm go off at the 1883 Things Mankind Should Do This Year meeting? Did Alexander Graham Bell get a call from his wife and have to dash off? Or more simply, did the wick run out? Now I like the telephone. I like cars. I like the Dyson Ball. I like Snickers bars. All great ideas. All perfectly executed. What I don't like is being detoured to Wales because Daisy the poxy cow has wandered out of her field and no sod knows how to move her. So here is my contribution to the 2009 Things Mankind Should Do This Year list. Next to 'Stop cows getting on train lines', I would like the following added. Build a fence.

*I am not sexist. This is just how I imagine the gentlemen of the day went about discussing such trivial matters.

One For My Australian Readers

2009-07-20T17:25:00.006+01:00

Jolly Interesting Stuff